Ladybug
Tag: Family
Voyager
Voyager
We are all voyagers within this flow of spacetime; all with a specific digit of sand grains to our name. Many will travel to distant places, far beyond the boundaries of home. Even more will stay within the confines of what is familiar and seemingly safe. How interesting to realize that whichever path is chosen, the real borders that should be explored, conquered, and expanded, are the ones within our own mind and heart. While many people may know me, there are very few who understand me, and even fewer who will mark the passport to enter my heart.
So, this Voyager may travel alone, but I am not lonely.
This Voyager may travel in darkness, but when faced and traveled through, I know light will always prevail….and this Voyager may see no land in sight, but conviction keeps a steady sail…and home is where my heart is, till the sand grains become the stars.
☄The Crazy Celt
Invisible Me (4) A Poem ‘I Will Smile as I Leave You’
Why won’t you take your leave of me
I do not like your company
You hang around me day and night
It matters not how much I fight
Indeed there are times you quiet down
But I know full well you lurk around
There are times I am able to escape from your chains
Yet I’m never truly able to fully regain
My independence, my freedom, like before you existed
I fear that your weight can never be lifted
And so I’ve tried very hard to embrace
The reality of you in my life and my space
How could something so serious; a tyrant like you
Remain such a mystery, with no answers and few clues
So many times I want to concede and give up
Yet the fire inside me, will never let up
I’m too feisty, too positive, to let you take me down
I’ll face every challenge; adapt and overcome
So, you can walk along side me as long as you like
But you’ll never own me, no matter how hard you strike
I will not wait around while you conjure your plan
I will go on living the best that I can
I will laugh, and I will love, and I’ll continue to dream
You picked the wrong person, for I like the extreme
And if you are with me till the last breath I take
I will smile as I leave you, just know that is your fate!
💚The Crazy Celt
Sawtooth Adventure
Early morning on the first day of fall, 9/22/2016, just before our drive to Mineral King.
The sun welcomes us as we round the corner to enter Mineral King National Park.
We knew it was going to be a cold day and we went prepared. Here we stand before the Information Guide for Sawtooth Trailhead. They had posted some warnings about Mountain Lions in the area. Always good to check for updated info before scrambling off into an extended adventure.
One thing that has always struck me about this area is the ease of the animals around humans. This buck was 10 to 15 feet ahead of us on the trail. He was exquisite and incredibly healthy looking. I asked him if we could pass and he meandered off the trail. It’s never good to accidentally get between a buck and his doe. They’re very protective.
About 3/4 mile from Monarch Lakes, at the base of Sawtooth, standing at 12, 343 ft. It was windy and cold but a beautiful day….so far.
Lower Monarch Lake
The black line represents our ascension line. It was incredibly steep and filled with loose rock, sand and shale. It was exhausting and dangerous. The yellow line is the way I wish we would have ascended, but this is the route we sand skied for a rapid descent from the ridgeline. You’ll soon see why. Crystal clear blue skies right?
There had been a few soft billowing white clouds, that seemed to dissipate as quickly as they rolled in, but that changed pretty quickly, when the clouds seemed to be overflowing the northern ridgeline and cascading down into the valley below us.
I kept telling my son that I needed to get to the ridge, just a couple hundred feet above us, so I could see what we were dealing with, but my gut already knew because the temperature plummeted into the low twenties in a matter of 30 seconds. I was hoping that it would quickly move through or dissipate and then my son yelled to me that his jacket had frozen solid, where he had earlier spilt a little water. I checked my water line from my camel pack and sure enough, it too was frozen.
I made my way to my son, who was starting to not feel well, and captured this last and only picture of us, just below the ridge; before making the frustrating, but wise decision to decend. While shooting this it started to snow and the wind began to gust, as the storm came in from below us.
We descended as rapidly as possible and once we were in the cover of the trees again, the harsh elements were left behind. Now we were cold and tired and unfortunately my son began to run a fever. All I could do was keep an even pace and coax him on by the promise of rest in a warm car.
As we descended into the Mineral King Valley the clouds were perfectly positioned with the late lingering sun. It produced beautiful light and shadows against natures fall pallette. Even though we didn’t reach the tippy top of Sawtooth on this run, I couldn’t help but think it was perfect in so many ways that truly mattered. The last several images I got reminded me that beauty is always present and that every success, “failure”, or close call has something amazing in it to be gleaned. Out of the dark storm we fled and into the warm glow of light we were received.
As I was driving home along the windy mountain road, with my son asleep next to me; I stopped to take this final image. I swear I could hear the mountain saying to me, “Thank you for coming and trying one of the hardest parts of me. My face saw your face. Until I see you again….” It felt as though this image was my parting gift…I saw her majesty’s soul again, as she surely saw mine.
💚The Crazy Celt
One of my favorite Sioux Philosophies 💚
The Betrayal of the Land
Nothing the Great Mystery placed in the land of the Indian pleased the white man, and nothing escaped his transforming hand. Wherever forests have not been mowed down, wherever the animal is recessed in their quiet protection, wherever the Earth is not bereft of four-footed life–that to him is an “unbroken wilderness.”
But, because for the Lakota there was no wilderness, because nature was not dangerous but hospitable, not forbidding but friendly, Lakota Philosophy was healthy–free from fear and dogmatism. And here I find the great distinction between the faith of the Indian and the white man. Indian faith sought harmony of man with his surroundings; the other sought the dominance of surroundings.
In sharing, in loving all and everything, one people naturally found a due portion of the thing they sought, while, in fearing, the other found need of conquest.
For one man the world was full of beauty; for the other, it was a place of sin and ugliness to be endured until he went to another world, there to become a creature of wings, half man and half bird.
Forever one man directed his Mystery to change the world He had made; forever this man pleaded with Him to chastise his wicked ones; and forever he implored his God to send His light to earth. Small wonder this man could not understand the other.
But the old Lakota was wise. He knew that man’s heart, away from nature, becomes hard; he knew that lack of respect for growing, living things soon led to lack of respect for humans, too. So he kept his children close to natures softening influence.
-Chief Luther Standing Bear. Oglala Sioux
Dream and Inspire
There is a place where fantasy becomes reality and dreams are the seeds of inspiration.
My eyes are cups floating on the salty seas and I fish for the non wavering truth.
My mind is heavy, yet free to fly, if only I could let go of the burdens that hide among the shadows.
Within my heart, an expanding universe beckons me to play among the jewels, so prettily scattered about.
My throat is tight; bound by a well thought out silence, and I breath out all that needs not to be heard.
My ears are exhausted from a world that never stops talking…oh how they long for the sound of the breeze, among the treetops.
My earthen body is a blaze today. Afflicted with an illness no one can see, but I’m still me.
Ah yes, there is a place where fantasy becomes reality and dreams are the seeds of inspiration.
Today I will breath and let go.
Today I will let go and fly.
Today I will fly and listen.
Today I will listen and be silent.
Forever, I will dream and inspire.
💚The Crazy Celt
Invisible Me (2)
I suppose I should have believed my doctor, way back then, when he said I shouldn’t be surprised if, later in life, I’d most likely have other autoimmune issues crop up. Truth is, at age 25, I wasn’t thinking about my health, especially the declination of it, 20 years down the road. I was in top athletic shape and had a world to slay. Certainly a family to raise.
Unfortunately, I had no idea of the personal tragedies I was about to face over the next 10 years of my life, and what a mental, spiritual and physical toll it would take on me. Without delving too deeply into all of it, I will say that I was entangled in a web of mental, emotional and physical abuse; the kind that movie makers write about. Sadly, at the same time, my father was diagnosed with brain cancer and at the age of 34, I would no longer have either of the 2 most important men in my life. It was simply unbearable and all while raising four children on my own.
After my father passed away, at the age of 59, I realized I didn’t want any regrets, and decided to try my hand at the Fire Service. After 3 short years I was hired as a Fire Lieutenant in California’s Central Valley. This is where my illness articulated itself as an insidious and formidable foe, only to later develop into a cunning thief.
I was almost going to skip right to Fibromyalgia, however, after a plethora of research, realize I need to touch on my diagnosis of endometriosis. I had been hemorrhaging every month with my cycle and that was just not going to work for me if I wanted to remain in the Fire Service. After being diagnosed with large fibroid tumors; too large for ablation, this led to having a partial hysterectomy, which led to the diagnosis of endometriosis. One in 3 women who are diagnosed with endometriosis are diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. One in 5 are later diagnosed with Systemic Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis or MS. It’s like a really sick joke and one I would face very shortly after my surgery.
I began having severe joint pain and weakness, followed by muscle pain and weakness. Some other symptoms that would surface included; spinal pain, burning sensations along my spine from cervical to lumbar, tingling in hands, arms, feet and legs, blurred vision, light sensitivity, sleeplessness, sleepiness, brain fog, forgetfulness, feelings of confusion, body aches, skin pain, ringing in ears, temperature sensitivity, skin rashes, dizziness….ugh really! It’s no wonder I’ll add helplessness, hopelessness and depression to the list, and no one (including doctors) could understand, but most of all me; I couldn’t understand. The downward spiral began.
I was terrified and angry! After all my family had survived, after working so hard, now this. It probably wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have been diagnosed with something that would hold weight in the medical community, as well as, in the workforce. You can’t get disability with a diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I had no choice but to continue to work in a profession and among people who had no desire to understand or help me in any way shape or form. It, quite literally, added insult to injury, and I slipped further into darkness and isolation. I kept hanging onto the hope that maybe I would miraculously get better or maybe the medical community would make a discovery or diagnose me with something that was curable. The waiting went on for months and turned into years and I kept fighting and hoping.
I didn’t speak of it much, to anyone, except occasionally. An example would be on a morning of my first day of my 48, and I had taped up a few of my fingers, due to lesions I had while in the middle of a terrible flare. I had been scheduled for an intensive wildland training that morning, and while I road with my Chief he asked what happened to my hands….. I told him that I was having a bad flare and had to cover some open wounds, and without skipping a beat he looked at me with indignant disgust and said, “Don’t you think you better get that figured out?!”
Had he really just made that accusatory question, slash statement? What the hell did he think I had been doing all along? Did he really believe I enjoyed feeling like shit or having to tape up parts of my body to protect myself against the diseases I faced every shift, after being exposed to people who aren’t honest about what diseases they have? Did he think I felt my health was a big joke and that I hadn’t already spent hours upon hours in waiting rooms, doctors offices and laboratories? Or that I hadn’t already spent thousands and thousands of dollars on blood tests, brain scans, CT scans and MRI’s? Are you fucking kidding me?
At this point I had gotten pretty good at tuning out the blatant ignorance that was all around me, although I had feared many wanted me gone, and I was right, all I could continue to do was my best, and that’s what I did. It was impossible not to feel lonely and isolated….what made it worse was that it was around men I had once called brothers, who now seemed more like unrecognizable strangers to me. My diseases had done what abusers do…they isolate their victim until their surroundings are no longer their own. Till all that once was, is no longer, and they win dominance.
Little do my body abusers know, I’m stronger than that. This is not where my story ends. This is just a new chapter in my saga. I have now become a researchaholic and I believe at the core of my being, all that I’ve suffered is connected and I’m determined to figure it out. None of what I’ve endured will be in vain and I will help others. Till next time….
Life may throw a number of curve balls, so study the curve ball!
💚The Crazy Celt
Broken, a lesson in light and life…
I’m sure you get my running theme…I love light. What photographer doesnt?lol Be it by the sun, the moon, flame, or reflection.
I’ve been doing photography for a long time, but in a serious manner for a couple years, and it has helped me grow in ways I could never have imagined. I won’t get into all of that now, however, will touch on broken light. Many people think they have to get a “perfect” shot…I disagree. It’s our very imperfections that make us interesting and the same goes for a good frame. I love clouds! I love obstruction! Look for things to get in the way….then take your angle.
Life does this to us so freely. “Broken”, is beautiful! There is much patience required in getting the “right” shot. There is also much patience required in being a broken human being, which we all are. With a 1/2 T of tolerance and a cup of love, for ourself; we will see, broken is beautiful!
Keep on keepin on!💚The Crazy Celt
I Had a Hope
A birthday message to my daughter.
Love is powerfully moving, and like the break of dawn, when the sun is just cresting the horizon; it is so beautifully brilliant, and produces such a palpable energy that, when focused on, can lift the most sullen of spirits.
This was how I felt when I gave birth to my first daughter. If she was a boy, the name would have been Jacob, and when she was delivered the umbilical cord was between her legs….they finally said, “It’s a girl!”.
I, after 36 hours of grueling, natural labor yelled, “We had a Hope! We had a Hope!”
Nothing has changed in 25 years of her existence. There is still an all consuming love, there is energy, and inspiration. Hope, may you continue to radiate your beautiful brilliance and receive it back in ten fold during this 25th year of life.
All my love, Mom
Another Series (Coming Up)
I’ve done my fair share of lecturing over the years, and honestly, it comes with its fair share of glory and mudd. The great thing is, I happen to like mudd; when it’s honest. Glory, I’ve found, can be a bit overrated.
The common idea I write about is choice, and we have many, everyday.
In this series, I will attempt to broach on difficult subjects by focusing on the simple, yet profound words we commonly throw around like; dignity, respect, loyalty, truth and honor.
We are in an emotionally volitile time in the Americas, and as a World Leader (something non of us should take lightly or without gratitude), we need to embrace the words we use and look in the mirror to be sure that we are able to say them with the grace, in which we stand.
My first piece will be on dignity and respect. Please feel free to post your hopes and fears, or words our World should be living by. This is good communication, which will be another word I will focus on in this series.
“It is always a beautiful thing when something greater than ourselves gets in the way of our tadpole thinking.” -Ya…that would be me sayin’ that craziness. 😉
Look for my first post on Thursday.
To the journey my friends!
💚The Crazy Celt
The Crazy Celt 