Do you ever think to yourself, ‘What in fucks name am I doing?’ I’m beginning to realize this is a condition of humanity. Just because I live “x” here and you live in “x” there, doesn’t create enough of a difference to change the organic constant of being human. Likewise with gender, race, religion or economic status. I find this fascinating, however, that’s not what I’m writing about today.
What I am writing about is my curiosity of why this question is so common, yet has colorful variations that seem to perplex even the most learned people. We all desire to be needed or to have purpose in our life. It’s the very reason humans, literally work themselves to death. Yet over and over we hear about people on their death bed realizing that what they thought was “living”, was merely an existence.
I believe there is something raw and noble about this mentality, however, when a person, such as myself, will revert to a form of pure self hatred; like a caged bird plucking it’s own feathers out because it dies inside for knowing it will never fly again, this mentality becomes a futile mistake.
It intrigues me to come to an understanding of people’s definition of purpose. Of course, it’s a full spectrum of beliefs about ones own desires, abilities and worthiness. There can be no contention over the fact that our upbringing and circumstance has much to do with this. Yet, in my experience as a poor midwest kid, my thoughts transcend much of my experience. Why is that?
I am doing a lot of research, in a multitude of disciplines and it is expansive, diverse and sometimes overwhelming. However, I have grown in ways I could never have comprehended, even 1 yr. ago. In my mind, this is progress, although I am coming to terms with the fact that, regardless of how diligently humans work, the answers will always be out of reach.
We can use words like love, hope, God, Universe and infinity; just as there can be profunctory equations that loom in the atmosphere of a profound mind, but with our boundaries of “purpose” and seeking approval for our attributes, I’m guessing the concepts of ALL of the above will be tasted but never linger upon our lips long enough to “rationalize” any of it.